26.07.2010

Contracting definitions

We picked the following range of contracting definitions up through a contact in Australia, but it has reportedly come from a notice board in the Physical Planning Office of the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

They will of course bring a smile to the faces of those of you who are contractors and have not already seen it.

The definitions are:

-Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

-Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

-Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

-Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

-Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

-Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

-Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

-OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

-Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

-Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

-Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.

-Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

-Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded